I'm sorry, but I'm glad.

It took me so long to realize that my parents were right...it will take me even longer to get over this deep rooted feeling of regret. I love them so much, and I know I never want to hurt them again...I have no control over what the future holds, however I will keep praying that I never make the same mistakes as I have made this past while. I will also always thank God (my true father) for the parents he has graciously bestowed upon me. I will ask him to help me realize daily that just because they didn't come packaged and with a bow they are a gift, and they are a priveledge not to be taken for granted. I can't believe what I have done this past summer...despite my teaching and upcoming, I had no idea that I could fall so far. I could never fathom...I can't believe...I feel aweful that I was capable of such destruction...but I plan to try to make it up to them and thank them for all they've done for me inspite of me. There aren't enough words to express the regret I feel and how grateful I am to them. I hope I can try my best to let them know my deepest sorrows, and gratitudes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hXbjktiBwI&feature=related
This song is so beautiful. It's been an inspiration for something I should have done. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long.

Independent...dependent...freedom.

I stayed away in hopes that they would apologize and ask me back... they sent me away in hopes that I would learn a lesson...Nothing was gained from any of it. So now I come back with nowhere to go, tail tucked between my legs like the injured wolf that I am. I can argue my case all I want...argue until I'm blue in the face, and all I will get is the same "Keanu you need to wise up, we're trying to help you, you don't understand, you need to listen to us"...but where do we meet half way if the other party is not willing to hear? Willing to listen?
I didn't go too far...I only stayed with him. I was only to stay for a night, but that turned into an arguement, and out flew the words "Pack your stuff and get out of my house". And so I went. Now, I have no choice but to come back, because I wasn't wanted where I was, which is understandable. When you have no job, aren't going to school, no source of income, who would want you staying with them?
I don't have a straight or clear mind right now. Honestly all I want to do is cry...but I won't. For now I will walk around with what little pride I have left, with my head held high...because although the battle has been waged and lost, I will not give up that which is left of my pride.

MRI, EEG

Everything went fine. No tumors or signs of seizures. But as I'd diagnosed about 4 years ago, I do have Tourettes Syndrome. There is no cure for it, there is no found cause for it. All there is now...medication to help stop the tics, or set them at ease so they do not occur as frequently. I will be on a medication that helps lower blood pressure...but it also helps ease the tics. The lowering of my blood pressure isn't much of a concern for me, considering these tics are the reason that I stop breathing at times...I will be getting an EEG soon though. On September 1st to officially determine that I do not have Epilepsy, haven't had seizures, etc. This next test will be monitoring the electrical signals of my brain, to see if I have a seizure, etc. Hopefully there will be no seizures, but if there are I will let you all know. I'll keep you posted on the results of my latest ailment...although it can hardly be considered the latest being as it has gone on for 12 years now.

Got kicked out...Don't know how to feel about it. But I'm gonna try to do this thing.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Have you ever had that feeling that you didn't know what to do? Gotten lost in your own mind, or been blocked by your own thoughts? I have been having that feeling, but the feeling to do what is right has been overpowering it. I'm grateful for that. I'm excited to hear the news from CCAD. I hope they say yes! I <3 that school very much. It is my second home away from home. Literally away from home. I have more homes at home than I can count. :)

Deleted My Myspace

I found no further use for it. It was made for me by my friend Beth so that we could keep in touch. But now that she doesn't get on Myspace at all anymore, no need for me to get on it let alone have it. Most of the people I talk to anyway, I usually don't talk to on Myspace but elswhere. After all cell phones were created for that reason! So were house phones, and other means of communication. We weren't given hands just so we could sit on 'em! Lets get back to writing and rotary phones people!!! (forget that the rotary phone takes foreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever to get from number to number.) =D

I'm Going Back!!

I've been gone from it for too long. I can't handle being away. That's right people! I'm going back to CCAD. I've started writing that letter, and I will have it emailed by Monday. Hopefully, over careful review, I will be back at CCAD. For those wondering what CCAD is, it is Columbus College of Art and Design. www.ccad.edu look them up if you are truly interested in art. There are other Art Institutes and Colleges, but CCAD is mine. If it were a baby, I would be proud to say I'd given birth to it! But sadly it isn't my baby.
Back onto my going back, the idea hit me after I'd started thinking about how I was feeling so stuck in Toledo. It is a great place at times, but after a while of being here, I start to long for my other home. My other home being Columbus. Hopefully if all goes well I will be back at my other home this fall, moving into the DORMS August 21st. I miss CCAD so much.
The whole time I was Columbus, I was homesick, but now that I'm back home I am homesick again! I know it makes no sense...but I guess if you think about it the way I am then it makes perfect sense. Being that I am a Cancer (crab) I need a bigger shell, and Toledo is obviously too small for me. So (keeping my fingers crossed) this fall I will be back at CCAD. August 21st I will be riding down to Columbus, taking all of my belongings, sleeping the whole trip there (hopefully awake to learn the directions and what not), and as soon as I get there, I am going to plug my laptop up and blog away lol. If I somehow do not end up doing that though, I will most likely be sleeping, or setting up my things in my dorm room (again fingers crossed), then roaming the campus playing marco polo with the many people I met last school year and introducing myself to the incoming freshman.
All will go well, I just know it is. If I didn't then I would not have the gut feeling that Columbus is where I am going to be this year, and possibly the rest of my life :). I do plan on moving down there to live. Upon my arrival I will be looking for a job. I have actually starting looking for places online (stores) in Columbus to call and see if they are hiring. So by the time I get down there I should hopefully have an interview or two lined up for me.
I'm excited to be going back! Even if nothing is set in stone just yet, I'm gonna keep on the up and up, and I'm going to think positive! So CCAD, Columbus, Mardi, Michelle, Shannon, Chris, Zach, Keith, Patti, and others...Look out! Because I'm making a surprise arrival!!
Everybody reading this, pray for me! So far my mom and I think, feel, and know that CCAD could be the best thing that has ever happened to me next to meeting my Sisters, Brandy and Tanya and my Brother, Brother Bear!
Keeping hope alive, and prayers strong! I love you all!!! I will be blogging more often, I promise!

Natasha Bedingfield

I love love love her music. It is more imspiring than a lot of things that I've heard. That and most people can actually relate to it. Such as her song soulmate, I once looked at life in that way. I used to think if there is a soulmate for everyone, then explain to me why I don't have one. I used to wonder why I was always the one without the guy. I tried just as hard as any other girl to get him but I never did succeed...ever. Even if I did try harder than most...I guess I never quite fit the criteria of a girlfriend material? I dunno. But back into Natasha Bedingfield. I loved her music since I first heard the song Wild Horses. I loveth that song with a passion. My love for that song burns with the intensity of 1000 suns. That is how much I love that song. If you ever get the chance you should look her up on youtube. Of course she has newer material out now, but I still love the oldies. I especially love These Words. That is such a good song that when I gound it on you tube I save it into one of my playlists a billion times one billion. I love the song that much. It is a really good song, and she is an amazing vocal artist. Anyone that is interested in love songs, Natasha Bedingfield is the one to listen to.

Can I protect him?

He's one of the best attributes in my life. He is one of the best things to happen to me. And I want to be that best thing to happen to him. We haven't gotten the chance to talk too much lately...but when we do, we talk about us, how the day went, or we sit in silence...until I say something random that leaves him in tears from laughing so hard. I want him to be safe. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to hurt. I want to know tha I'm able to protect him...no... I am able to protect him. I will protect him...I know I can. And I will.

These Words

I've come to find that I love him in a way that I can't explain. I love him more than I love myself...if that is even possible. I love him so much that love seems to be the one word that doesn't cover how I feel for him...at all. If only it were easier to tell someone how we felt about them rather than having to blow a brain fuse...lol. I took that from Brandy by the way.
Anyway, I do. I love him. He makes my heart skip beats, throw those beats with a melody, and turn it all into a song. Sometimes I find it hard not to sing when I am thinking about him. I think if I keep thinking about him one of these days I'm gonna forget my own name. I wouldn't mind that though. I want him to know how I feel but it seems that everthing I try to say doesn't come out measuring out exactly to what I want to say to him. Writing him a poem is easy to do when I can actually find the words to let him know what I mean...but I can't do that sitting here on the computer...or can I?